Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Fear and Loathing and Warning Labels

Fear and Loathing and Warning Labels

      Recently I came across the enclosed “warninglabel on, of all things, a doormat. It provides:

Important things you should know about your new doormat.  Warning:  Do not use mat as a projectile.  Sudden acceleration to dangerous speeds may cause injury.  When using mat follow directions: Put your right foot in, put your right foot out, put your right foot in and shake it all about.  This mat is not designed to sustain gross weight exceeding 12,000 lbs.  If mat begins to smoke, immediately seek shelter and cover head.  Caution: If coffee spills on mat, assume that it is very hot.  This mat is not intended to be used as a placemat.  Small food particles trapped in fibers may attract rodents and other vermin.  Do not glue mat to porous surfaces, such as pregnant women, pets and heavy machinery.  When not in use, mat should be kept out of reach of children diagnosed with CFED (Compulsive Fiber Eating Disorder).  Do not taunt mat.  Failure to comply relieves the makers of this doormat, Simply Precious Home Décor, and its parent company, High Cotton, Inc., of any and all liability.

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